We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
