i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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