i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
