It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
