I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
