I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
