mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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