NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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