I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
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