Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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