Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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