he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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