I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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