they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
