allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i would punch a child for taco bell
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm sobbing to NWA
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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