Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
