How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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