So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
