Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
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