The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize