saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
