Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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