Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
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