All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
