I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
