you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
false alarm, still single
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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