Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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