I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
