So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
