Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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