Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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