Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
