I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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