i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
