He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
