I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
