Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Randomize
