Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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