I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
