I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
