I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
