Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
