then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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