I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I touched a dick in church today
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
