My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
