I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
