just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
