I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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