Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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