I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
