Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
