I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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