Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I understand Curling. That high.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
