i jhust puked up my retainher.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
