captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
