He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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