I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
