I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
