Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
