I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
