She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
