you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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