I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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